jamir's anecdotes

epic fail

2010-11-30T17:37:00.003+08:00

“what factors causes increase acidity in the stomach?”

Isip muna ko kahit nasa harapan na ko. Siyempre hindi ko naman memorize ang buong libro para masagot agad yun instantaneously at last time i checked, wala din naman ako photographic memory. That few seconds reminded me again how much pressure i’ve put myself into by entering med school. Binabalikan na naman ako ng mga thoughts ko to back out on medicine. Natatakot kasi ako sa failure. Imagine, i know i prepared for it as in effort kung effort sa pagbasa sa kung anong dapat basahin, pero for what? Para sa 2 out of 10 na grade? Sleepless nights spent for a measly grade of 2. Ang saya diba? Nahiya pa yung prof ko at binigyan pa ko ng 2 eh.

Hindi talaga ko magaling pagdating sa mga oral revalida. Nung college naman ako eh hindi ako nakaranas ng ganito kasi wala naman kaming oral revalida in the first place. Pero hindi ko din naman masasabing bago pa lang sakin ang ganitong activity dahil simula first sem pa lang eh sinabak na kami. Pero of all the lab conferences that we had, i always manage to fail. Ang hirap kasi hindi ko naman talaga master yung buong libro, sana konting consideration man lang na pwede sumilip (kahit silip lang ) sa notes. But nooooooo, out of the 90+ slides that we prepared, we were only able to use 5 slides, mostly graphs lang. Oh dba kamusta naman sa effort dba, parang sana hindi na kami nag-effort gumawa ng ibang explanation.

Ganun ba talaga sa medisina? Expect the unexpected. Eh pano yan, i damn hate surprises. Hate them. Despise them. Kailangan daw quick thinker, eh hindi din naman ako ganun. Ano ba, pumasok ba ko sa institution na ipopoint out sakin kung ano ang wala sakin at kung pano ko ikababagsak ito? Ang saya saya naman.

Kung ang grade ko ay isang ecg reading, flat line na ko. Code blue na. Or baka hindi na kailangan mag-code blue. Time of death na ba agad?

‘wag naman sana.

on friendship

2010-11-25T22:03:00.008+08:00

Less than 6 months ago, i get to meet them for the very first time. New school, new interactions, another form of socialization – and i thought i was done with it. It was quite awkward at first because believe it or not, I don’t socialize that well. It was only when I’m in my comfort zone when I get to show who I really am – my funny antics and very, very, VERY boisterous laughter. Then i met them. One by one, i get to be close to them. For some, they call me “kuya”, but for others, we get by through first name basis. It started with lunch – we all became lunch buddies and from there, through small talks and chitchats, our friendship developed. It’s funny how you realize that you already are a friend to them and so they are to you. Friendship works in a funny way for it’s never intentional. If it was a laboratory experiment, I would’ve shouted “eureka” by now. But of course, just like in every experiment, there’s always a trial and error phase. Though the development of friendship is unintentional, you still get the freedom to choose (in the long run) whether to befriend a person or not. Amazingly, I didn’t have to endure that phase. Describing it in a cliché statement, “we just clicked”.

These are my future colleagues. In 5 years time, we will be doctors. And what better way to start Medicine if not for friends who are there who bullies, rants and makes fun of you yet, at the end of the day, you understand that it’s all just for the heck of it.

on love

2010-11-22T23:31:00.002+08:00

Kanina may nagtanong sakin, “are you still practicing?”. I got confused at first. Until I realized she was talking about my sexuality. Meron daw kasi siyang kilala, a priest, who didn’t realize he was gay until he saw a picture/art that made him realize he was (i find it weird that a picture can reveal your true sexuality, but heck, to each his own right?). sabi ko naman, “oo naman. It’s just that hindi ko talaga priority ang commitment ngayon. Sa dami ba naman ng ginagawa natin [sa medicine], hahanap pa ba ko ng commitment?”. Napangiti lang siya. And i added, “nabibilib nga ko sa mga classmates natin na committed ngayon. Hindi ko alam how can they juggle their time eh sa school pa lang tali na.”

One thing i have observed myself develop, as i mature, is to be self-centered. I tend to prioritize myself first amongst others. It really sounds selfish and a bit bitchy but i think i have a valid reason why. Hindi naman na kasi ako inosente pagdating sa relasyon. I had my share of commitments that ended up dwindling in the end. The sad part is, i put much effort on the relationship, as in bonggang bonggang effort and mega ligaw and suyo, pero it still led to break ups. Siguro the reason why i’m like this, selfish and self-centered, eh kasi ayaw ko na i-risk ulit yung sarili ko on the so-called “love game”. Ang hirap kayang masaktan. Daig pa ata ng lumbar puncture ang ma-brokenhearted eh.

Hindi kagaya ng ganto, wala ko iintindihin kundi sarili ko lang. No hang-ups. No commitments. No whatsoever. I can mingle with anyone i want with no strings attached.

Nakakatawa lang kasi naalala ko dati, nung panahong emo pa ko, ang lagi advice sakin ng mga kaibigan ko eh, “mahalin ko muna ang sarili ko bago ko magmahal ng iba.” At dati hirap na hirap akong gawin yun. Kahanay nga ako ng GOMBURZA pagdating sa martyrdom eh. Kung may baklang santo, i think i would qualify. Pero now i realize, that slowly i’ve learned how to do it. I learned to love myself first. Kasi nga dba, (i remember i posted it here before), sino pang magmamahal sa sarili mo kung di ikaw lang din?.

This post is dedicated to a classmate/friend of mine. Learn how to love yourself first. Learn that rejections are part of the quest for love. As what another good friend of mine said, “move forward”. You don’t have to let go that easily, but you have to explore and widen your perspective on love. Don’t be blindsided by what you’re feeling. Don’t hinder yourself from experiencing love from different people, be it platonic or not. Close your doors if you will, but not permanently. In time you’ll be ready. And when the right one comes, you’ll know it.

*after being on hiatus, i would like to thank tine for inspiring me to blog again. It feels good to be back. :)

burned out

2010-08-22T23:17:00.004+08:00

Minsan napapagod na din ako mag-isip. Nagpapatong patong na yung mga gawain para sa school to the point na nawawalan na ko ng oras para sa ibang bagay particularly sa mga kaibigan at pati na din sa pamilya ko. These past few weeks, ang nagiging weekend na lang talaga ay ang Friday night. Pero dahil physiology ang subject ko every Friday, at kadalasan ay puyat ako ng araw nay an, i just choose to go straight home and sleep or if permitted, hibernate.

alam ko ginusto ko ang kurso ng medisina pero minsan pumapasok sa isip ko ang tanong “am i really up for it? For the challenge?”. May ilang beses na din naman kasi ako napapahiya sa klase dahil hindi ko nasasagot yung mga tanong ng professors ko at kadalasan dinadaan ko na lang sa tawa. Defense mechanism ko ang pagtawa kumbaga. Pakiramdam ko nga, no one among my classmates take me seriously anymore. Pakiramdam ko i’m the class clown. At bilang isang clown, natural lang na maging masayahin sa panglabas pero pag sa tototoong nararamdaman, ibang usapan na yan.

Sa ngayon, nangangapa pa ko sa daan na pinili kong tahakin. Naninibago pa din sa bagong environment na kung asan ako ngayon. Naaalala ko dati nung college, i was always at the top of my class. Heck, i even graduated with honors, pero ngayon i really feel down. Grabe pala ang competitiveness sa medisina. Kumbaga sa mga magnanakaw, kapit sa patalim ang labanan. Nakaka-suffocate, nakakabaliw at nakakalungkot.

Kailangan ko ng lakas ng loob. Pwede ba mabili yun? Kahit tatlo isandaan bibilhin ko. Pasama na din ng faith, hope and courage. Sana may online site na pwede ma-purchase ‘tong mga ‘to just to get through my everyday med life. Nalulungkot na ko eh, naubos na yung paghahanap ko ng silver lining sa bawat not-so-good scenarios i’ve been through.

On another note, i just found out that this guy i like for so long is already in a relationship. I texted him about it and asked if it was true (since i only knew about it through FB) and he replied “yes”. And all that i can mutter to reply back is this, “i’m happy for you mr barista. See you around.”

Oh the irony of love – it hurts that you just don’t want to deal with it anymore no matter how sweet the feeling of love is.

closing doors

2010-08-22T00:51:00.002+08:00

Earlier this week, a classmate of mine asked me about my love life. I told her i was single (and that i didn’t care). Another classmate of mine interfered and said there’s nothing wrong being single. Of course i agreed.

i have trudged the road of love and honestly, it was not any easier as trying to peel an onion without crying. Needless to say, it was a rough road for me. And that experience, i don’t want to ever experience again. I guess i could say, i am closing my door for love at this time. I know falling in love has its perks, but i don’t want to risk too much first, of my time and second, of my effort to it again. It’s just not worth it.

So love, i’ll just bump you on my least of my priorities right now until who knows when. hope you don’t astray too long.

studying 101

2010-08-07T03:56:00.003+08:00

1st shifting. i was scared as hell. i remember back in college when prelims/midterms/finals are mere reviews of what have i learned - a backtrack on the things that somehow caught my attention during lectures. but this was different. Here i experienced to pull an all nighter not just on one night but for the entire week. so much so that my circadian rhythm got disrupted yet again. i am now officially back to being nocturnal.

i have one word to describe shifting exams week: hell. though i haven't experienced the real thing (thankfully), i believe this is the most hell-ish experience ever. here are a few things i learned from this shifting:

1. books matter. scribbled notes help but without books, for sure you're a goner.

2. reading it just one time doesn't help. twice doesn't seem to help either (as per neuroanatomy experience). thrice would be mediocre.

3. as per one of my professors said, "consolidate". information doesn't come only from one source. every now and then, a cross reference book or two would really come in handy. especially if a certain professor asks the normal values of every pressure in the human body.

4. obvious information are out of the question. all words that are highlighted, italicized, bold, etc would not be asked directly. test questions have a way with words that necessitates to think out of the box and to use critical thinking.

5. time is not just gold, it's a diamond. a "5 minute break turned 1 hour" is definitely a no-no.

6. focus, focus, focus! distractions are always present - blogging, fb-ing, ym-ing. basically anything involving social interaction is considered a distraction. living like a hermit crab is the key.

7. aside from focus(repeat infinitely), another thing i've learned is that location matters. studying in a cozy bed with the tv / radio on is a suicide mission especially if it's already 1 am in the morning and the exam is just a few hours away. might as well give in and just sleep.

8. highlighters, ball pens of different colors, post-its, and pencils have replaced my BFFs. they're my new BFFs. survival rate from med school without this is next to zero.

9. a little tip or hearsays here and there helps a little. widening social network increases success rate in med school.

10. lastly, 5 hours of sleep is a blessing. more than that is a vice similar to smoking, suicide.

there, just a few tips that i have learned based on my 1st shifting experience. and to think that i'm only on the tip of the iceberg. it's going to be a very, very, very long way before i get to the core of medicine. the silver lining: i got through with it. only the results will tell how much more effort should i put in.

oh how i love medicine.

on Pres. Aquino's inauguration

2010-06-30T13:21:00.003+08:00

It was such an honour to witness Pres. Aquino’s inauguration even if it was just on TV. Watching him and listening to his speech made me feel more proud to be a Filipino. Here’s to hoping for a better Philippines in 6 years! Cheers!

On a side note, i think Mrs. Arroyo’s seemingly cold treatment to Pres. Aquino is a preview of what’s yet to come. With the formation of the Truth Commission headed by former SC chief justice Hilario Davide, i strongly believe that fair justice would prevail. And like what our newly proclaimed president stated on his speech, “there’s no reconciliation without justice”. So Mrs. Arroyo, i bid you good luck.

on med school

2010-06-29T23:17:00.003+08:00

Consider this my first entry after a very long time. it was so long, i can't even remember what my last entry was about. Suffice to say, a lot of things happened and after the so much pondering whether to pursue medicine or not, i'm now officially a 1st year medicine student at PLM-CM.

It was not an easy road to begin with. With much debate with my mom (especially that of financial) i applied to several medical schools that i know offer the best medicine program. Unfortunately, i was not admitted to my dream school which was University of Santo Tomas (UST-fms). I also applied at FEU and DLSU and became eligible to enrol. However, my mom talked me into applying also at PLM-CM. Don’t get me wrong, i know PLM is really one of the best medical school there is (here in the Phils.) but i really didn’t really imagine myself studying here. One reason that lessened my appeal to this school is because this is my older sister’s alma mater. Just the notion that she had a good record here and that it was her batch who started a good streak for PLM’s board performance are enough pressure for me to freak out. Financially, this was a wise decision of course and since it was my mom who will pay for my school, it would just be fair that she chose the school where i should study.

So now, here i am a 1st year medicine student. And after 4 weeks of med school, i can now conclude that med school is tough. All the effort that i did during my pre-med years didn’t even reach 1/3 of the effort i am putting into med school now. They say that it is normal for freshmen to feel too stressed about school since we’re still on the adjusting phase and that eventually we’ll get the hang of it. Being the impatient me, can i just fast forward to the part where i have already adjusted and stress is just a snack that i eat whenever i feel like it?

They say to always think of the good side whenever you feel like giving up. Well the good side of what im doing is that i chose this path. I know this is what i really want. My decision of pursuing med feels right even up to now. I just need three things for now: patience courage and strength. And everything will be alright.

bitterness, AGAIN.

2009-10-24T18:25:00.000+08:00

Yesterday i spent my whole day at Calgary. I joined a friend of mine who had an interview with this care home facility a few miles from downtown. The interview went great and my friend was asked when she can start. Here’s the dilemma. My friend and I went here in Canada to look for work. We hoped to get the same job on the same company and same location. But based on my experiences, it is very unlikely to get the things you hope for. So i kind of had this feeling that we will eventually have to separate. She is still undecided whether to accept the job or not because for one thing, being a live-in caregiver in a care home may drive you insane especially if you’re alone.

After the quick interview, we went to this mall to wait for another good friend of ours. We were there around 2pm (for the sake of preventing redundancy, let’s call our other friend B) and B met us around 6 already. He’s with a date though he insisted that it wasn’t a date, from the looks of it, it’s really was. I forgot to mention that B is gay. B’s date, let’s call him C, drove us around downtown and took us in this uphill view where you could see the whole city. It was really beautiful and breath-taking (literally, we had to climb around 100 steps just to get on top). I saw C making moves for B but B isn’t just that into C. Don’t get me wrong, i think is kind of cute but he doesn’t have that appeal. As C drove us home, he consistently made an effort for B to like him – opening his side of the car’s door, trying to find out what he likes and doesn’t and even asked B for a weekend getaway. B gave an ambivalent reaction and i can sense a feeling of irritation on his side.

Then, all of a sudden, like a lightning striking a tree and splitting it in two, i sense a feeling of jealousy. Jealousy on how B was being treated by C even though C knows he doesn’t have a chance. I suddenly wished i was B. Bitterness surrounded my whole being. I suddenly missed having an “us”. It doesn’t take long for me to realize that i suddenly missed having someone who i can be sweet with and be smitten to. that someone whom i can talk with in the wee hours of the morning to the point of falling asleep with my phone beside me. Someone to share my laughter or my anger. Someone who will stand by my side. I suddenly missed having a partner/bf. The thing is, it’s not in my character to fling around or as others would say, to play around the field. Believe it or not, i can be very loyal to the one i love as long as he doesn’t betray my trust. A strong characteristic of a true taurean based on my observation. I always seek for those long term relationship that seems to be very difficult to achieve. Nevertheless, i will still wait. But for the time being, i would just have to control my bitterness each time i see a happy couple. Darn it.

how jamir has been for the past couple of months

2009-10-12T15:25:00.007+08:00

it has been a few months since i've posted something new in this blog. i know i have no followers here (or maybe just one) but nevertheless, i still want to continue blogging.

for the past 5 months that i have been inexistent in the blog world, a lot of things happened. 2 months ago, i applied for a canadian visa and had it approved a month after. about a month ago, i just broke up with my boyfriend of seven months who i thought was the love of my life. and just recently (2 weeks ago), i resigned from my job where i stayed for 7 months and decided to take a chance here in canada. you heard it right, i'm now in canada; in alberta to be specific and just a few miles away from calgary.

you might have thought that i have been living the dream here, but you're wrong. currently, i'm a bum with no backup plan besides going back to manila. but i'm not considering going back to manila anytime soon. i have a feeling that there's something good here in canada. that i could start a new future here. (cue in music: i've got a feeling by black eyed peas).

anyhoo, my blog entry wouldn't be complete if it doesn't have the trademark emo post. partly my reason of leaving for canada is because of my break up with my ex. for those of you who have read my previous blogs from my old blog site, he's the same guy i've been blabbering about ever since. and yeah, we made it official for us to be together 7 months ago. sadly, it only lasted for 7 freaking months. it ended up as how we always end things up, hanging. i texted him that i'm breaking up with him (insert reason why) and i got no reply from him. up to date, i haven't heard / read a single message from him. it sucks big time.

i tried to react differently after our break up. only a few of my friends knew about what happened. i think some of my friends still think that we are together up to now. this time, i did not make a scence anymore. as what they always say, "it is what it is". i don't have to color it up. it didn't work out and we broke up. plain and simple.

of course, there are times when i am forced to stop whatever i'm doing because i have suddenly thought of him. he's my persistent ghost of the past who wants to be remembered. but as days go by, i'm starting to learn how to be myself again - without him. little by little, i'm picking up the pieces that was left of me. and i just smile. because like what my friend once told me, "if no one else will love you for who you are, then you better start loving yourself."

grad pic

2009-05-18T09:06:00.004+08:00

4th year college. nagsimulang maging busy ang kanya-kanya natin schedule. nagkataon na ako ang vice president at ikaw naman ang president ng ating section kaya madalas kapag may mga classroom activites, eh nagtutulungan tayong dalawa. isang araw bigla tayong sinabihan ng official school photographer na lumagpas na ang section natin sa schedule ng pagkuha ng grad pic ng buong klase at dahil ikaw ang presidente, ikaw ang nag-asikaso kung pano magagawan ng paraan ito at dahil nga isa kang magaling na presidente, nagawa mong isingit ang section natin ng araw na yun. isa sa ikinamamangha ko sa'yo, ma-abilidad ka sa mga ganyang bagay; isang katangian na wala sa akin.

habang unti-unting nawawala ang mga kaklase natin sa classroom, ako naman ay lumabas na din. sa aking paglabas, nakita ko ang boyfriend ko na nag-aabang sa akin sa corridor. dahil sa hindi ko na din siya madalas nakikita sapagkat nahiwalay tayo sa section nila pagtapak ng 4th year, eh nilapitan ko siya at naghagkan kami sa corridor. wala naman problema sa mga taong nasa paligid sapagkat lantad naman ang relasyon naming dalawa sa escuela. ikaw ang huling lumabas sa kwarto, tinitingnan kung may mga kaklase pa tayong natira. paglabas mo ng pinto, nagkatinginan tayo. nawala ang ngiti na naka-ukit sa iyong mukha. napalitan ng simangot na madalas ko makita kapag alam kong galit ka o kaya naman ay mainit ang ulo mo. habang pinagmamasdan ko ang sinasabi ng mukha mo, nakarinig na lang ako ng sigaw na mula sa'yo,

"ano ba jamir! di ba sabi ko bumaba na?? ano pa ginagawa mo diyan??"

pinagmasdan ko ang titig mo na biglang lumihis ng tingin para tingnan ang kasama ko. nagulat ako sa nangyari. nabastusan ako. sa dinami-dami ng mga kaklase ko na nakatambay sa corridor, ako lang ang sinigawan mo. sigaw na narinig ng lahat at napatigil sa kanya-kanya nilang ginagawa. nakaramdam ako ng galit. wala kang karapatan na pahiyain ako sa harap ng mga kaklase at kaibigan natin. "out of line" ang ginawa mo. sa aking galit, hindi ko na inisip ang bumaba pa. wala na akong pakialam kung magkakaron pa ko ng larawan para sa aking graduation. basta ang gusto ko lang ay umalis na sa escuela para hindi ko na masilayan muli ang galit sa mukha mo. pero dahil ako ang bise presidente ng klase, alam ko may obligasyon din ako na tulungan ka para sa kapakanan ng buong klase. wala din ako nagawa kundi ang sumunod sa lugar kung saan nandun ang school photographer.

sa aking pagdating, kitang-kita ko pa din sa mukha mo ang inis; lalo na ng nalaman mo na wala na akong balak magpakuha pa ng grad pic. inaamin ko, kaartehan ang inasal ko ng panahong yun pero ginawa ko yun bilang pagprotesta sa ginawa mong pagpapahiya sa akin.

unti-unting umusod ang pila ng ating mga kaklase habang unti-unting natatapos ang pagkuha ng larawan, maliban sa akin. habang naghihintay ako sa labas ng mga pasaway natin kaklase na hindi pa nakukuhanan, nasaktuhan na dumating ang isa sating kaibigan na nais kang makausap. ngunit dahil sa marami kang ginagawa, sa akin na lang niya ipinagbilin ang importanteng mensahe para sa'yo. at dahil sa wala na din naman ako magagawa, at hindi ko naman pwede sabihin na magka-away tayo, hinayaan ko na lang na ibigay niya sakin ang mensahe.

2nd to the last batch na ng ikaw ay lumabas mula sa studio. lima na lang ang natitira sa labas kasama ako. 'pag labas mo, medyo nahimasmasan na ang galit sa mukha mo. siguro dahil na din sa stress na dinulot ng photo shoot incident. nagdadalawang isip akong lapitan ka dahil na din sa takot na sigawan mo uli ako o di kaya'y hindi pansinin pero naglakas loob na din akong lumapit. nakatayo ka sa labas ng studio, tumabi ako sa gilid mo. bumulong ako sa kaliwang tenga mo,

"sorry..."

at dahan-dahan mong ninahan ang ulo mo sa balikat ko sabay tingin sa'kin at ngumiti. sa isang iglap, nawala lahat ang takot, kaba at galit ko sa'yo. napalitan ng saya at masarap na pakiramdam. parang gusto kong tumalon sa tuwa. nakita ko ang mga mata mo na wala ng halong galit at tampo. tanging pagod na lang dahil na din sa stress na dinulot sa'yo ng photo shoot. sa mga panahong yun, gusto kita akapin; ngunit dinaan ko na lamang sa pag-akbay sa balikat mo sabay pag-nahan din sa ulo mong nakasandal pa din sa balikat ko. ikaw ang unang nagsalita,

"pumila ka na. sayang naman kung wala kang grad pic."

at parang utos ng amo sa kanyang aso, sumunod naman ako ng walang pag-aatubili. maghahapon na din yun, at alam ko ay may lakad ka pa nun. pero kahit ma-late ka sa lakad mo, hinintay mo akong matapos at makapagpakuha ng litrato. tinulungan mo pa kong mag-ayos ng buhok ko para naman magmukha akong graduating student talaga. natapos ang araw ng magkasabay tayo naglalakad patungong gate. at doon kinita ko ang boyfriend ko habang ikaw naman ay pumara na ng bus para makahabol sa lakad mo.

kinagabihan, nakareceive ako ng text message mula sa'yo. isang patanong na mensahe:

"bakit mo ginawa yon?"

"ang alin?" reply ko.

"yung mag-sorry..." mabilis niyang pag-reply.

"ah..eh kasalan ko din naman kasi hindi agad ako bumaba para tulungan ka."

hindi na siya nagtext. hindi ako makatiis at tinext ko siya,

"nagalit ka ba talaga kanina o nagselos ka?"

" : )" ang simpleng reply niya.

biglang kinalabit ako ng kasama ko sa sinehan,

"sino yan?" ang tanong ng boyfriend ko.

"ah wala, ate ko." ang mabilis kong alibi.

friends

2009-05-15T11:55:00.005+08:00

I was watching reruns of the comedy series Friends when i suddenly remembered a conversation, Ross and Rachel had on their first date. it was in the museum where Ross works. they were stargazing underneath the artificial-made skylight.

Ross: "Listen, I'm sorry i had to work tonight."

Rachel: "that's ok. you were worth the wait...and i don't just mean tonight."

*** it made me wonder, do happy endings happen in real life?

right to vote

2009-05-14T05:56:00.002+08:00

They say the sincerest sign of democracy is election; that is, having the freedom to vote for people whom you think are capable of "serving" the country. take note, i used the term "serving" the country rather than "running" the country; there is a huge difference.

i'm turning 23 years old a few days from now yet, even though i've been old enough to vote a few years back, i denied myself from practicing my right. during the last presidential election, i was 17 turning 18 a few days after election date (May 11) that's why i wasn't able to register. as for succeeding elections, i just invoked my right NOT to vote. seeing the current events happening in our country is just too depressing that my will and belief that my vote counts seemed to diminish. everyday, news of blatant vote buying,crimes that are politics-related such as bank robbery and murders here and there, are heard in every means of media there is. these news made me feel that voting isn't just worth the effort for me to go down the precinct and vote candidates who i think deserve to be elected. besides, i am just one vote. had ballot switching occurred in our city, then my ONE vote would be useless.

then i saw the ad of ABS-CBN, "Boto Mo, Ipatrol Mo". sure this is another gimmick for their ratings to go up or it's their way of making sure they're the station who gets the latest scoop to be reported, but their ad did make sense, at least for me. it has been proven, that media is a very powerful tool - be it used in a good way or not. so powerful in fact, that in our history, twice it had been that media was used to kick a president out of malacanang. i think, this campaign really aims to empower the people who are hesistant to report election events that they believe are wrong and deserve to be flashed in the news. especially now that spreading news is easy as spreading the h1n1 influenza virus due techy modalities such as cellphones and digicam, voters will feel less fear if they want to report discrepancies on their precinct.

i have until October to be an official registered voter and i have yet to look for a BMIM's kiosk so that i can participate on their campaign. maybe this time around, media will be put to good use. i encourage everyone, especially the young ones (like me of course ^_^) who are eligible to vote, not only to be a registered voter but also to participate in BMIM's campaign. in our own little way, we could make a difference (what an Oprah statement. haha).

lastly, i'll quote US president Barack Obama, "YES WE CAN." (if Obama was able to do it, so can we.)

*** pics were from these sites:

botomoipatrolmomultiply

youthvotephilippines blogsite

flip a coin

2009-05-12T16:28:00.002+08:00

Last Sunday, I was driving along NLEX going home from Bulacan, a sudden thought popped into my mind: med school. For years (2 years to be accurate), I have been dwelling on whether or not I will pursue med school or not. I really want to, but of course I have to consider certain factors why I decided not to. First one is of financial concern. I’ve talked with my mom about pursuing med and she wilfully agreed to what I want. It’s but natural for parents to provide whatever they can to their children. But I feel that with today's economy, pursuing medicine is more of a luxury rather than a necessity. Another factor to consider is the length of taking up medicine. Oftentimes I’ve heard from almost everyone I know that "5 years" isn't that long and shall pass sooner than I think. But it still is 5 years. 5 years of studying and of being dependent again to my parents. 5 freaking years. And that's only the start of it. Hopefully, if I complete 5 years in med school, residency starts and so on and so forth. By the time I finish studying, I’ll probably be on my death bed already (ok, I may have exaggerated here, but who knows?). Another factor I’m considering is my life-long dream to migrate to another country; which is the reason why I took up nursing in the 1st place. Naturally, if I’m fortunate enough to be a licensed physician here, I’m going to practice here. Thus, ending my dream of living in another country.

I remember the conversation that me and bene had a few days ago; about choosing the career I really want. Maybe this is the "blind leap" she was talking about; the "kick in the ass" moment I need. Maybe I do have what it takes to be a successful MD. I’m still in a struggle whether to go for it or not. This decision will really turn my life in complete 180 degrees.

Last night, I had a good talk with a very good friend of mine, Toni. I told her my plans and though I noticed a little disappointment in her voice (because we made plans together of going to Canada), she still encouraged me into pursuing medicine. I continuously whined about what to do and how I can come up with a decision that I think is best, she just told me a simple solution, “Flip a coin”. A few moments later, after I ended my conversation with her, a text message came in that says,

“What will you do when faced with two choices?

Simply toss a coin...

It works not because it settles the question for you,

But because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air...

You suddenly know what you’re hoping for...”

for my mom

2009-05-10T07:29:00.000+08:00

you've done a lot for me, more than what one can expect in a lifetime.
you nurtured me, you sheltered me and protected me from harm.
you were always there by my side, ready to fight for me in just one heed of a call.
i know most of the time, i can be a burden.
i've grown up having my own beliefs and opinions that sometimes contradict what you taught me leading to petty fights between us.
but you easily cave everytime.
you are the weakest link when it comes to arguments.
yet you never seem to show how hurt you were.
and you still insist on what you think is right and what you want me to believe.
oh how pushy you are sometimes!
now this is the first and last time that i'm going to admit it and if ever asked again, i'll deny it even to the point of death:

thank you for being pushy.

because if not for your persistence, i would not have been who i am right now.
i know i have my flaws, yet you disregard it and concentrate on my positive attributes.
for you, i'm an angel. hah! how funny it will be if my friends knew about this.
they'll be laughing so hard, they have to stop reading this just to take a breather.

i actually don't know what to say.
i feel that a simple "thank you" is too small of an appreciation as to what have you done for me, what you've sacrificed for. but knowing you, just saying those two words is enough to make your heart melt.

so i say this, thank you mama. you are the best. i love you.

out

2009-05-07T10:02:00.000+08:00

There was no official date as to when I outed myself. I remember it was back in college, where i had my first “real” relationship (i had a previous partner back in high school. He was 23 while I was 15 and we lasted only for 3 months and met only thrice). It wasn’t exactly the way I planned it (well, i really wasn’t planning to out myself that time). A classmate of mine accidentally saw a doodle that I did at the back of my ex-bf’s notebook and that was it. No questions were asked and no one seemed to have frowned upon what they had discovered as if it’s a normal thing. I was actually surprised by how easy my friends have accepted the fact that one of their classmates (or should i say 2 rather) is gay. It wasn’t what i had in mind. The paranoid me always thought that once i outed myself, all of my friends will slowly drift apart as if i have a dreaded communicable disease that one should be cautious of. But that wasn’t the case.

It was a different feeling when i outed myself to my high school friends. I usually categorize my friends in 2 types: “high school friends” and “college friends”. The latter knew it first since me and my ex-bf were in the same class and like what i said before, we got accepted easily (even by our professors). It was a wee bit different to my high school friends. though no one voiced out disappointments, i can sense a feeling of “panghihinayang” . some also got offended when they knew that i outed myself first to my college friends, as if there’s a hierarchy that i must follow or protocols as to who should i tell it first. A sensitive guy (gay) that i am, i easily got offended and slowly distanced myself away from them. Personally, I expected a lot from them. I thought they would be the supportive one and would encourage me to be true to myself since they knew me even before high school. We were classmates for almost a decade. Yet, they were the one that made think twice about what i did.

As for my family, i remain to be in the closet up to present. Honestly, it’s not their feeling of anger that i’m afraid of because i understand where they are coming from since I am the only son out of 4 kids. It’s their feeling of disappointment, much like what happened when i told my HS friends. what if they didn’t accept me for who i am, Who will i turn to now? There should be, forgive me if i am not aware, a support group for this. I know i’m not the only one carrying this burden. There are even PLUs who are even on a worse situation than i am.

I’m not thinking of outing to my family anytime soon. but i have a gut feeling that they know it already, they just don’t want to confirm it. It’s like a giant pink elephant in our house that no one pays attention to. For now, i’ll leave the giant pink elephant be, hoping that no one would notice.

sa sbarro

2009-05-05T11:45:00.004+08:00

habang kumakain sa sbarro.

"pano kung natuloy yung sa canada and hindi na ko umuwi?"

"aba jamir, 'wag mo sabihin makikipag-break ka sakin ah", sagot niya.

"gaga ka lang, right?" sabay kuha ko ng pizza sa plato niya.

...oh sweet moments.. ^_^

on career choice

2009-05-05T10:09:00.000+08:00

I had a chance to chat with a very good friend of mine, thanks to multiply. She posted a blog regarding career – the how to’s and not to’s. Just like her, i am also just starting to climb the corporate ladder. Here’s how our conversation went:

Me: “and i thought only a few people experience the dilemma of choosing the right career path. maybe it's like an initiation for us, newbies, before we become successful. like the old saying goes, "marami pa tayong kakaining bigas"..fine, i lurve to eat anyway! hahaha. hang in there wickedenchantress. ^_^”

Wickedenchantress: “We have a lot of choices. We can even choose not to choose at all.
At the end of the day, we just need to make the right choice among all these choices.
How are you career-wise?”

Me: “as of the moment, this is my choice. i do have plans and goals but unfortunately, what i am doing right now (career-wise) is not getting me any nearer to it.” reality check: although we learned from school that "money isn't everything", in real life, we base our decisions partly because of it. it may not be everything, but it is something.

Wickedenchantress : “Maluho ka siguro. Heehee. I have discussed this with my mentor and he said that while money will be a problem at first, when we chase the dream, and stick to it, money will flow eventually. The way I see you from here is this. You are afraid to take the first step all these years. Why not try to check your track again and you might see things differently. Though you have changed, I can still see that yearning you have for the things you wish to do.

:) It takes a blind leap. Think of it.”

PS; Since I'm not a member of the buena familia, I have cried at 8 am while talking to my mentor on his mobile regarding the fat paycheck with a STABLE sign on the company and a childhood dream. I have also spent two weeks crying in all places whenever I have the chance --yes even in the shuttle on the way home (of course when the lights inside are turned off).

Me: “hahahaha. hindi naman masyado. but you made me think twice there. admittedly, i'm not a risk-taker. i feel that i'm not up for it (the challenge). sabi nga sa personality test that i did online, i'm a "dreamy idealist" daw. so dream lang ng dream but nothing good comes out of it. i'll take that blind leap. but not right now. magpapakaluho muna ko. Hahaha hay bene, we have to have that coffee date.”

Wickedenchantress : “I beg to disagree though that you are not a risk-taker. Your coming out has been a great, great risk. I think you just need a good shove to get that ball rolling. Super Hug!”

Me: “my coming out isn't that great of a risk since i already figured out who/what i am. but when it comes to career, i'm still at lost. funny thing, i thought being out means being free to do whatever i want; but when it comes to choosing what i would really want to do in life, i'm still in the closet. kakalurkey. i really need that good kick in the ass moment. anyway, have to go back to work. you take care bene.” *hugs*

It’s true. Career wise, i’m still at lost as to where will i go. Considering the course that i took (BS Nursing), it’s very unlikeable that I could easily find a job here. Thus, i settled working in a call center (much like some of the nurses i know). I realize working in this field would not get me anywhere in reference to my course, but at least i get to enjoy the financial compensation it gives. This is my choice. I opted to choose a career that would suffice my basic needs. Just like what is stated on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, “basic things come first”. Maybe eventually, i’ll find the passion for it. Or maybe, with a sudden twist of fate, i would get a scholarship grant from one of the prestigious universities to take medicine and eventually become a successful doctor. Hah! The dreamy idealist me is acting up again.

fresh start, take two.

2009-05-03T01:07:00.007+08:00

for months, i've been thinking of switching to a new blog. but the thing is, i want to import my old blog posts from my previous blog (blogdrive.com) which i can't seem to do. apparently, blogdrive isn't that popular for other blog sites to notice that there are existing "blogdrivers" around. but time made me realize that somehow, change is inevitable and along with change are some things you have to let go of, such as my old blog.

2 weeks before my birthday, i decided to give myself a project: to create a blog here at blogspot with an interface that somehow reflects my present personality. my old blog is outdated since i created it way back in college where i think being "emo" is natural (at least for me) and it never changed.

consider this a "fresh start" for the second time around. maybe this time, i'll see life in a different perspective.